Tom Ford, Ellen DeGeneres, Tom Daley, Sarah Paulson, Calvin Klein, and Ross Kent.
give me, Father, for I have sinned. Not only am I a homosexual but I’m in an age-gap relationship, just like the most famous celebrities of our time. Apart from being worth
millions, the accolades, and are known worldwide, we have something similar. We are in fact in a relationship with someone old enough to be our parent’s best friend.
No, but seriously, someone call 999 because I think I could have daddy issues.
According to Google, an age gap relationship is where the age difference of a dating couple is of or at least 10 years between them. If that’s the case, I seem to be experiencing Gerontophilia!
When it comes to age-gap relationships, I feel that stigma has always been there and will continue to be there until the end of time. If you’re a younger individual and have an older partner, you’re a gold digger or gigolo. If you’re an older person with a younger partner, you’re considered a perv or creepy. There are so many factors when it comes to age gap relationships, and it can be quite complex. So, let’s talk about it.
For those of you that don’t know me personally, I am in an aged gap relationship. My partner is 24 years older than me. Was it my mission to go out and bag myself an oldie? No, it wasn’t. But I have always been attracted to the older male. There is something about an older man that suits my personality more. I feel that I’ve always been more mature for my age unless with my friends and I’ve always wanted my partner to be the same. Personally, I think older men are a lot more established with who they are. They are not necessarily on the road to self-discovery as they know who they are and what they want out of life. Bit hypocritical isn’t it Ross, I hear you say. In your own coming out story you said that you’re on a road of self-discovery. Yes, I did but we move, life happens ok...
My partner turned 53 at the end of October. When I met him, he was 47 and I was 23. What’s that noise in the distance? The Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’s horse trotting towards me?
I think it’s important to discuss how we met. Because at the time of when we first met, it was quite awkward, probably because of the stigma related to this app. Yes, you guessed it we met on Grindr. Unfortunately, the story isn’t like a romantic comedy film when both people reach for the last carton of oat milk or avocado and lock eyes on each other. We met on the app with the logo that looks like a murderer’s online forum. I’m not sure whether it was his display picture that showed he wasn’t my age or my nerves but talking to an older guy for the first time scared me. I don’t really like to think about the consequences of my actions. I normally jump in headfirst and think about them afterward. But in this scenario, I thought, if there was something between me and this stranger, would I receive negativity? The world can be cruel at times. I remember distinctively thinking to myself, ‘my mum is going to fucking kill me. I’m bringing a man home to meet my family who is nearer her age than mine. So even before the sitationship took off, I was worried about the stigma I could potentially receive from strangers, family, and friends.
David reached out a couple of times before we had a real in-depth conversation. We complimented each other back and forth, and it was harmless chit-chat. No need to worry about having those awkward conversations with the people already in my life. I thought this conversation could go the same way others went on Grindr like are you top or bottom or got any pictures? How romantic. That’s one thing I hate about our community. How gruesome Grindr can be.
Prior to David and I meeting, we spoke on the phone for a whole week in the evening for hours. I don’t know whether it was his East London accent or the fact he was an older guy, but I was hooked. Shit, I realised that the conversation with mum was coming in thick and fast. It can’t possibly get any more intense…. Or could it?
We weren’t chatting for very long over Grindr; we exchanged numbers quite quickly. David and I spoke for a week and destroyed every brain cell we had through mobile radiation, towards the end of that week, we decided that at the weekend we would meet for a walk. Let me just precis this so you can understand the intensity.
The telephone conversations began on the 15th of February 2016, we spoke for five days over the phone and met on the 20th of February 2016 which was the Saturday we went for a walk. On the 23rd of February 2016, we were officially together as a couple. I’ll let you pick your jaw up from the floor or grab a glass of water before we continue...
Someone gets us an interconnecting room at the asylum because that’s crazy. Clearly, the time that I was going to have to tell my mum she had a son-in-law who was only 10 years younger than her was drawing closer. I mean, when you think about it, we weren’t as bad as lesbians, they get matching tattoos and move in after a week of knowing each other. Only that occurred a year later for us when we got our first dog. Totally NOT the same.
Once we had made it official, I never had the same worries again about the age gap. We received a good response from everybody that we knew. They may have said it behind our backs, which is fine, but at least make one of your faces pretty for the future. Often people say I look 15 years older than I am which I find 1. insulting and 2. shocking that their intuition is that bad. I think it’s true what they say, age is just a number. We just work, don’t get me wrong, there are times when we have such a difference of opinion and can bicker. But can’t everybody? If we moved and operated the same, it would be just weird and mundane.
One thing that an age-gap relationship doesn’t prepare you for is when people that know you, don’t know that you’re in an age-gap relationship.
Now, this used to make me want the ground to swallow me up and not spit me back out. Back when David and I first met, he already had two dogs. We did most of the walking together unless I was at work or not visiting him at the weekend. At the beginning of our relationship, I decided that I wanted to start doing the walking too, by myself. As the dogs were walked in the same park every day, other dog walkers became familiar with knowing the dogs and David however, when I began walking them, they didn’t recognise me. When the weekend came and went, David, returned to walking them. Throughout the week, other dog walkers would call out for David saying, ‘we saw your son walking the dogs over the weekend’. David embarrassed, would freeze and panic and stumble to try and find the right response whilst the colour drained from his face. Whereas, when I was spotted at the weekend, I would always get ‘aww are you walking the dogs for your dad?’ After it happened a couple of times, the awkwardness faded and I used to like role-playing with them when it happened, not in a kinky way mind you. I’d always respond and ask them if they kissed their dad. Shortly followed by that’s my boyfriend!
So why am I more open than David about our relationship with the outside? Both parties aren’t wrong. We’re just from very different times. David is a lot more traditional and private whereas I am more liberal and open. 24 years difference is a very long time. David’s life growing up in the East end of London was extremely different from mine growing up in Kent, but it's important to acknowledge both.
Upon completing my research for this feature, emotional maturity kept presenting itself. I don’t necessarily think that an age-gap relationship or a same-sex relationship has this issue. All relationships have it. Men arelooked at as less emotionally intelligent than women. I do think that some men aren’t as open about their feelings, and they should be encouraged to speak out more. I know for one, there have been times when I could have been more open, but I haven’t been. This hasn’t got anything to do with the fact my partner is 24 years older than me, it's my own personal flaw. Something that I need to work on.
As human beings, if we see an aged relationship we instantly think, how the hell is the old fogie keeping up with the younger one? I jest, but we do, don’t we? Energy levels can be a huge contributing factor to day-to-day activities, quality time, and sexual encounters. Does the older individual have to pop a blue pill before they proceed to the bedroom? No, I don’t think they do. In a relationship, I believe there are far more important things to do together instead of bedroom activities. Although, those bedroom activities can lead to a family. What does one do who wants a family, but their significant other is a lot older than them? Is it getting to the point where time has run out? That is something that I have no experience in and would love to sit down and discuss with someone. So please, any recommendations of people who have started a family with someone older, please send them my way.
I briefly mentioned earlier the stigma around age gap relationships because of the term gold digger or gigolo. Now, I would just like to clarify my relationship is very different from the former Hugh Hefner and his three girlfriends. My relationship is built around creating a life with my significant other not, orgies with blonde bombshells with big tits. Although, it seems Hefner didn’t see it that way. Or the ex-vicar who was 81 that married a 27 year old man because he thought he ‘loved him’. I work and always have. I know that I bring my fair share to the table and I’m proud of that. I think that’s why I don’t see my relationship as a business transaction. But I suppose there are people out there that will go out of their way to be in a relationship for the financial freedom and life they can be given to them. Just like a sugar baby. Now I will be honest, I do get deeply upset when I receive a message from a ‘sugar daddy’ saying he is going to give me $5000 a week to talk to him but I must pay for the PayPal transaction. The price of heating these days is expensive and going to Aldi because it was the cheapest out of all the supermarkets seems like a distant memory. Seeing all these sugar babies on Tik Tok living their best life getting money transferred to them for messaging their Daddy saying ‘How are you today?' whilst I am working my 9- 5 really does hit hard.
So how does finding a man that is older than you work? Do you visit the old people's home at visiting hours or go and walkaround an 18-hole golf course, hoping to bump into someone with white hair that drives a Porsche 911? No, not quite. Love and relationships present themselves in all different ways and it’s your job to embrace them. I never knew I would end up in a serious relationship with a man who was a lot older than me. But we’re here and thriving. Even when we do annoy each other. If you do want an older partner, create a profile on Sixty and Me. You’ll unlock a world of people over the age of 60, what could be better?! The best piece of advice I could think of is to go to a nice area and up your age preference a notch and begin swiping. Nice locations like Harrods or Selfridges.
The last and final segment of this feature is thinking of the future. David is 24 years older than me, as I have previously mentioned. Statically, he will die before me. However, they may not happen. But if he does, David has arranged that if at any point he becomes terminally ill, he wishes to go to Switzerland and end his life at the Dignitas House. Whilst this may shock a lot of people, it has never shocked me or made me feel uncomfortable. One of mine and David’s similarities is how comfortable we are around death. I completely respect his decision and know that when the time comes, we will complete what he wishes together. I have always been accepting that there could be a time when we are apart because of our ages. That’s never put me off though, it’s something that I never think about. To me, we’ll always be together on earth. That doesn’t mean I’m avoiding reality; it purely means that age is not something that has control over our relationship, but the blue badge will be a warm welcome.
Until next time, live, laugh, love you.